Been to the gym lately? Then you’ll be all too familiar with these…

Having been a fitness fanatic for almost 20 years I’ve started to consider myself somewhat of an expert on different sports types. My particular favourite is The Instructor. Instructors come in many shapes and forms:

1) The Diva. She strolls into class with all the latest gear, drops her (top-notch designer label) bag where it can be clearly seen by everybody. Every second word she utters is in English (because she wants ya all to know she’s been “out there”). She’s so busy checking her own pecs from the mirrors, she sometimes forgets she’s got a class to run. But only for a second, because before you know it, you’ll be hearing her chanting out loud to the latest tunes. Because, obviously, she loves the sound of her voice too. One of my Diva favourites was actually a man, who used to make such intricate choreographing for his aerobics classes that he was the only one able to perform them. Which of course gave him good opportunity to shine.

2) The Safeplayer. She (and yes, for some strange reason Safeplayers are almost exclusively female) is convinced of the fact that nobody but her knows the CORRECT way of doing a particular exercise move. And the level of the moves is usually aimed at a clientele of 60-80 year olds… Should you, God forbid, go ahead and do it your own (slightly more advanced) way instead – or what’s even worse: question her style, you’re marked for life. After that, every single class you go to you’ll be the main object of her trying to convince you SHE knows what she’s talking about: You really have to stretch your elbows up, and do keep a straight back, Oh my, I think I see it arching a bit. There you go, you really need to go back to the basics and work on your technique…! (all uttered in an exceedingly triumphant voice).

3) The General. She’s made it her mission to GET YOU IN SHAPE!! And the only way of getting there (with your lazy ass) is keeping the music volume at an extreme level and shouting (between push-ups): Do we want moooore??? Yesss, weee doooo!!! Generals can actually be good for you, since they’re usually well equipped to perform everything they want you to do too, thus making a good example for anyone wanting to get in shape. The only question is whether anybody has the courage to stay on for the ride…

4) The Out-of-Shape One. She’s got all the theory but she’s a bit out of practice. She’ll show you the first version of every move and then get up fast to keep a keen eye on you all. She’s often very hands-on, because that sort of justifies her not doing the moves herself. The real reason being that it’s simply a bit much for her right now to be talking and exercising at the same time. Usually her classes are very beginner’s level – because she doesn’t want to run the risk of showing you moves which will get her to collapse in front of you all. If you ask her for a more advanced version, she’ll give you the bereaved puppy look and say: Oh, well of course you can do it like that too, I don’t mind…

Sometimes you get combinations of these four. I’ve encountered quite a few Diva Generals – and boy, was that a lethal combination if there ever was one.  Not to mention the unfortunate combo of an Out-of-Shape-Safeplayer. Going to her classes will give you an excellent beginner’s level technique – and not much else, because you’ll be working on the same basic moves for the next 8 years or so. And don’t expect to work up a sweat – unless you really are 80 years old, in which case her classes will be just your cup of tea.

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4 Responses to Been to the gym lately? Then you’ll be all too familiar with these…

  1. noracc says:

    Ojdå, that’s right. I remember now. So, plenty of Diva’s to go around 🙂

  2. Katti says:

    No, somewhere in Espoo (Olari?). possibly while you were living on your current street the last time around.

  3. noracc says:

    Your memory is in a league of it’s own! Would it have been Muskelimimmit in Kaarina – and Kari who held the class. The immortal Kari…:-)

  4. Katti says:

    I do have a faint memory of going to a class with a male diva instructor with you. Although I do believe we skipped the class after about four minutes, and took our refuge to the gym-equipment…

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